The loss

On 19 January, the doctor had transferred my embryo. I was so happy. My son really took a good care of me. I just lay down (except to go to the bathroom or pray). I didn't know why on the second day I felt so painful on the left side. Almost every day I felt it, sometimes on the right side and sometimes on the left side. I was so scared. My husband was worried. Almost every night I had a bad dream. There's something bad will happen to me. Then, last Tuesday (2 February) I had bleeding. It was so terrible. The next day, my husband took me to Mahkota Hospital. The doctor tested my blood. It was negative. I did not cry in front of the doctor. I kept talking. The doctor asked me to see him again next month to do it again. I just shook my head. No wonder I never felt vomitting, I did ask my mother but she said different woman will have different symptom. When I was inside the car I started crying. My husband tried to console me but it didn't help. Last Friday (5 February), lots of blood coming out and in the afternoon, "my baby" came out. I felt useless. I really, really felt bad. I thought I could accept it but until today, I felt the emptiness. I tried to look happy in front of my family especially my mother but when I was alone, I would remember "my baby". I gave him a name already. I called him Mubin. Whenever I felt painful, I would rub my tummy and called his name. His full name was Muhammad Nur Mubin (I had read the 7 Mubin Yaasin many times during my pregnancy). I told Ahmad ,"baby Mama dah mati". He was so angry. He kept quiet but only for a while. When he saw his friend outside, he went out. Sometimes, when he saw me crying, he asked me, "Mama ingat baby?" I just smiled. I don't know whether I can get my old self again. It is so difficult.